Sunday, August 09, 2009

The Heathrow Effect

The Heathrow Effect is apparently the name for what's happening to me. Not the standard 60-day vortex of depression newcomers suffer as a rite of passage, but rather the fatty buffer that seems to be forming between my belly and the rest of London.

In a way I'm grateful. I'll need the reserve to live on when my bank account runs dry.

I'd previously thought the extra luggage had something to do with my sugar-obsessed boyfriend's ready stock of sweets – I'm loading up on carbs because real food is too expensive.

Don't pity me because my new-found poverty might lead to malnutrition, scurvy and teeth that live up to the English stereotype, I've got Guinness on my side. London's pubs are especially generous in the caloric respect and the diet there is mostly liquid anyway.

Getting a little squishy is a minor, common side effect to attempted survival in the United Kingdom – as I've recently been enlightened – and the thousands of other working migrants from old Commonwealth countries have come to know it simply as The Heathrow Effect.

I think I'll fly out of Gatwick from now on.

This was my inaugural pub crawl, following the route of the original Monopoly properties. It's a popular outing for the English, who usually dress as moustachioed millionnaires for the tour, but we buccaneered a little tradition. The fact that I'm packed far in the back only means I was the first one in. If I look scared, I was right to be.

4 comments:

Sam Manley said...

A delightfully written post with many humourous observations. It is, however, utter bollocks. You are thinner and skinnier than ever - I worry when you skip around the house in case you trip and snap something. Eat more.

ling-ling san said...

"This was my inaugural pub crawl, following the route of the original Monopoly properties." I am jealous beyond words. Did you really go from Baltic Avenue to Boardwalk? Did you pass Go and collect $200? Did you ride the Short Line? Did you win $15 in a beauty contest? Outstanding!

ling-ling san said...

Oh shit. I believe I just proved my own ignorance of the "Original" Monopoly. Baltic, etc. and the original American versions are from Atlantic City.

That's about as cool Street Repairs: Pay $45 for each house and $100 for each hotel.

Kate Savage said...

ling - I've actually never seen the British set, but if I fond one, you can be sure I'll try to spend the money in shops, pleading ignorance and hoping for pity.

Sam - You're bollocks.