Saturday, November 08, 2008

Putting the 'pet' in petulant

It's dead under a stool in my kitchen right now, and no, I am not going to do anything about it. Not until my visitor has come and gone. He's due in about ten minutes, and I'd hate to be caught red-handed, heartless and with a body on my conscience. Once he leaves, I'll roll it up and carry it at arm's length to the basement – the logical place to stash a corpse. Until then, I'll just act casual.

I won't pretend I didn't get a sense of satisfaction from the kill, maybe even a little adrenaline. I am entirely capable of killing again. The deceased should've known better than to enter my home uninvited, sneaking around at night, stealing bits he thought I'd not notice and presumably defecating in miniature throughout. I wouldn't accept that behaviour from a person, it's just not polite. For a mouse, that behaviour is punishable by death – preferably the quick, sudden and immediate sort.

The entire scenario feels as though it might've been orchestrated by a higher, comic power. Just this week, my boyfriend proposed getting a hamster – a sad interim replacement, I think, for the cat he can't have thanks to his roommate's allergies – to keep in his own corner of the house, his bedroom.

He seemed surprised by my disgust with the idea, perhaps having seen me as the quintessential Canadian, in tune with nature and with love for all animals. Likewise, I expected more of him. He's English, after all, and you'd think the Black Death would've been enough of a lesson.

I said everything I could to deter him, short of threatening to never spend the night again and letting him imagine the horror of that on his own. I spoke of pee and wood chips, pet shop odour and the relentless whir of exercise wheels. A bedroom is no place for a rodent, and I think both Richard Gere and most gerbils would agree.

Faking my best heartlessness, I resolved to tolerate his particular rodent, but only as fodder, until it came time for us to move in together and I'd get a cat and let nature take its bloody course. You know, like Darwinian selection for pets. I was mostly joking.

Still, when I saw a mouse in my house yesterday, I set traps straight away, with delicious canap├ęs of dried fruit, cheese and whole wheat muffin crumbs. One bite for me; one bite for the undead.

Before long, the mouse enjoyed its last nibble and now I am faced with the only thing more disgusting than a rodent scurrying unchecked about my house, and that's a dead one.

8 comments:

Ace C said...

Lol. I have no words for this, but I'm laughing again and since it's early Saturday here it can't get any better.

Kate Savage said...

Hey thanks!!

I'm anxious for early *Monday* when "He Who Likes Rodents" reads this and realizes I'm right. Or not.

wyliekat said...

I absolutely love having cats for many reasons - but the decided absence of rodents (living, dead or undead) is a definite feature. It doesn't matter than none of my three cats would be likely to bestir themselves to *do* anything to any rodents. Smell alone is enough to send any small and squeaky househunter to better climes.

I'm Kate... said...

Mmm....the "rodent." *shiver* Nasty little creatures. I had a horrible encounter with not one....not two...but SEVENTEEN (yes you read correctly) mice in a funky apartment a few years back. I didn't think it was all the funky, until I discovered the mice piling out from behind my dishwasher in droves to snack on anything they could find. I could hardly afford to keep buying traps, so I had to "reuse" them. ((Yeeeeah, that IS as gross as it sounds)) You know its bad when you celebrate catching a "two for one" deal in one trap... but ahh the thrill of victory. :) Just in case you have MORE, peanut butter seems to do the trick EVERY time - hands down. You're talkin' to an expert here!!! :)

Bob Stein said...

Best hamster name ever: Yersinia Garden.

Rhi said...

Hey! I'm so interested in different places in the world. I was wondering if you would mind sending me a couple of pictures of Montreal so I could post them on my blog. I'll give you all the credit. I just want to have pictures of places all over the world. If you would be willing to, I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks for the post. =)

carmen said...

KILL! KILL! KILL!

btw, i've nominated you for a kreativ blogger award:
http://howevertemporary.blogspot.com/2008/11/maybe-blogs-arent-so-bad_19.html

Kate Savage said...

Oh, there is so much I want to say to you all – including, thanks for cheering me on in my pesticidal adventures AND for that nomination Carmen – and update, of course, but I'm on the coast with Mr. England, and he's...uh...a little distracting :) I'll be back soon. THAT, you can count on!

x